I Am a Snob

I am a snob, and I make no apologies.

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At varying points in my life, I have been somewhat musically inclined. I played violin and trombone growing up, and by time I graduated from high school, I had a fundamental understanding of playing most brass instruments, though I was never very good. I currently play a smidgen of guitar, and I used to play bass (very badly) in a CCM band. But of all my musical talents, my singing ability has always been the best.

I was actually fairly "old" when I learned I could sing (I was 14 the first time I really tried), but it seemed that I had some natural ability. I sang for my church choir and local show choir as a teenager, in college I sang for two school choirs, the school show choir, several churches throughout the years, and I even learned to sing opera. Since college, I've soloed a few times, and continued with church-related musical ventures, including the CCM group mentioned above.

Lest you think that I'm overmuch bragging at this point, let me assure you that I've got my abilities in perspective. In my prime (college and shortly thereafter), I was reasonably good, probably better than average, and I'm well past my prime at this point. But, I can hold a tune in a bucket, I have a pretty agreeable tone, and as long as I'm not stretching too much at the top or bottom of my range, I'm pretty good at keeping on pitch.

"So, Bald Man," you're wondering, "what're you getting at?"

By and large, the people who sing the national anthem at minor league sporting events suck.

There, I said it. So shoot me.

Now, I'm all for people exploring and using their musical talents. Really, I am. I've been known to encourage people to go out on a limb and try soloing. But not at a place where they're going to rain terror down on thousands of unsuspecting victims.

I am, of course, well aware that nerves can affect the overall quality of a performance, especially a vocal performance. The voice wavers and pitch flucuates, particularly during an a capella rendition such as the singing of the national anthem. I'm fairly forgiving of nerves. What I'm not particularly inclined to forgive is those individuals who try (and fail) to emulate their favorite recording artist du jour. I blame Whitney Houston for starting the trend of making a spectacle out of the national anthem, what with the vocal gymnastics and all, but for the love of Pavoratti, why does every Bob, Jane and Chris think they need to try their hand at it? I didn't like it when Whitney did it at the Super Bowl all those years ago, I get positively grumpy when Susie Six Pack does it at my local minor league ball game! Makes me want to stick my head in a fry vat for the duration in order to excape the pain. Not that I could hold my breath that long. Because, the other piece of the Whitney Effect is that the song gets drawn out to painful durations. Most amateur warblers want to drag the song out to operatic lengths. The tune is from a drinking song! It was meant to be a quick diversion between pints, maybe lasting a minute, a minute fifteen, tops! So, we've got Johnny Adenoid nervously yodeling like a wounded llama for two and a half minutes, which is a recipe for disaster in my book.

Not that all the blame can be placed on the vocalist in question. Someone, somewhere within the sports arena's front office is responsible for choosing the people who will sing in front of their team's patrons, and that someone needs to be able to distinguish reasonably good talent from a steaming pile of dreck. Unfortunately, a disturbing number of ear splittingly awful vocalists make their way onto the playing field to unleash musical horrors upon the masses.

So, I make the following requests on behalf of people everywhere with musical sensitivities. If you're a vocalist, keep it simple. The national anthem isn't there for you to showcase your impressive musical prowess. It's presented to show respect for our country. If you're the front office person assigned to review musical applicants, if the demo is longer than 1:30, pitch it. If you have trouble following the tune for all the vocal gymnastics, pitch it.

The music lovers of the country will thank you.

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